忘不了

忽然間有一股慾望﹐　到愛丁堡去。去愛丁堡干嘛﹖

那年僑居倫敦﹐乘火車沿著英格蘭東岸北上﹐抵達格拉斯哥﹐過後輾轉南下回愛丁堡﹐沿著西岸回倫敦。東岸臨海﹐西岸草原湖泊。人在江湖﹐為何不象西岸清高自怡﹐卻得掀起東岸的滔天大浪﹐恐天下不亂﹖有說是為了塑造歷史﹐為了促進人類社會發展。像陳平在回憶錄中所說﹐I can share with the young who may wish to look beyond their palmtops and understand how history is shaped. I would like to be involved in a forum. It is the exchange of ideas that ultimately moves the world.

今天不談大道理﹐只談愛丁堡。

多次冥想暇思﹐浮現三幕重複的景象。第一幕景在皇家山上眺望伊麗沙白道。海面出現至少三種不同的色彩﹐近岸是褐色的﹐接著是綠色﹐灰色﹐再遠處海天一色。那時在皇家山上編織著未來夢﹐期望大海把我帶到更遠的地方。

第二幕景就是走出愛丁堡火車站﹐感染到截然不同的蘇格蘭風情。古堡﹐花園﹐風笛﹐格裙。那時寒冬剛過﹐正值春天﹐透徹藍天﹐百花齊放。太太還年輕﹐第一次離家就已八千里﹐跟我在異地織夢﹐嗅到蘇格蘭氣息﹐興奮不已。

如今偶然掀起塵封的記憶﹐難免為當年動情。當年有好多第一次﹐幾乎每個第一次都是赤子之心﹐每一次都動了真情。因為青澀所以也是人生中最寶貴的真情。如今我們都成熟得多﹐學會更多衡量計較﹐心境自然不一樣。

第三幕景呢﹖以後再提。

回到那個問號﹕去愛丁堡干嘛﹖

不為甚麼﹐只為了曾經擁有的最青澀的真情。

家

我們是天空中的一片云
偶然化作小水滴
涓涓落在黃土地

我們相知
我們相遇
凝聚成不容分割的體系

家﹐ 我們攜手相連打造了家
注入歡樂與淚水
注入活潑與關懷
細水長流﹐淌淌不息

十年修得同船渡
百年修得共枕眠
緣聚是千年修得的福氣

緣能聚﹐緣能散
緣像天空中的一片云
偶然化作小水滴

小水滴
涓涓落在黃土地
延續云的使命
周而復始
生生不息

我們是天空中的一片云
我們是
小
水
滴

Education one-two-three

The curtain of PSLE2006 had closed. At least closed for a time being until the result is released. The after effects will start rolling again by then.

Social activities are piling up for the P6 students. Some sort like a reward to them who had spent time and effort to sit for the exam. I volunteered myself to accompany the students to Science Centre. I saw many relief, happy and innocent faces. They thanked me for taking time off, and thanked me again when they arrived school safely.

I ponder the subject that I always pondered around again and again: Why PSLE becomes a stress to the parents and students? Why do we subject these people to such pressure and to many of them, as if PSLE would determine their final destiny? Shouldn't we give the children happier childhood, make learning a fun time so that they could sustain the learning interest as a life-long hobby?

For PSLE, I always have these burning questions:

Q1-How would the PSLE results benefit the majority in long-term? Does it mean that a child who scores badly is also a slow learner, not academically incline, and life would evolve with negative dynamics?

Q2-A child has done consistently well but has done badly in PSLE. Won all the battles but lost the war. How would you value the child?

Q3-On the reverse, a child has done consistently bad but has outperformed the rest in PSLE. Lost all the battles but won the war. How would you measure the 'success' of this child?

Friends, this is not kidding. To me, education is a long lasting process. It goes ways beyond PSLE. Life is ways beyond PSLE. Success and failure are ways beyond PSLE.
If there aren't convincing answers to the above, I could only conclude that the yardstick is illogical,asymmetricalical. The impact on the pupils is long lasting. Branding begins in primary school days, and is repeating after PSLE. Special, Express, Normal Academic, Normal Technical... You may call it different flavour, different varieties. But in reality with the mass, this is branding.

Since 1970s, I have been strongly against the idea of streaming. Whether streaming begins in P3, P4 or Secondary one is immaterial. My key disagreement is the fear of equating streaming to branding. Streaming is fundamentally different from the Confucian ideology of '因才施教'. The Confucian ideology is looking at the positive side of people, maximizing and growing individual's strengths. Streaming leans towards the negative end. Because you are not bright, you have to join the second-class society. This is Confucianfucian ideology.

For 30 years, we sacrificed two generations to make the 'brighter lot' shines. We created elite class but the elites may not understand the pyramid triangle that makes them the elites. The elites may just live in their own world and lack of compassion with the mass. This is more elaborated in the recent real case published in the various newspapers. However, elite is not the subject of this article.

After 30 years, it is heartening to see someone has the courage to make a bold change by squashing away streaming – the pillar of our unique education system for one-third of a century.

While we've yet to see the actual changes, the bold courage is plausible. Return the fun time, the true education value and the self-pride to the children. Don't create a negative social impact on them. That's what I've been looking forward to for the last 30 years. It arrives 30 years late after one big spiral. It is always better to arrive than never.

This leads to reexamination of Q3- is PSLE necessary at all? Many advance nations have dropped PSLE. Instead of spending the entire school term preparing children for exam, more of other learning opportunities could be reaped. How about bringing them to natural reserve to learn about the balance of eco-system and to appreciate the beauty of nature? How about bringing them to Pulau Ubin for group topo and team building? Must learning life evolve within the schools?

Do not forget to make the world as the oasis.

人間有夢

<我的夢>﹐ 中國殘疾人藝術團一場震撼人心的演出。由邰麗華及一群聾人呈現的<千手觀音>先聲奪人把有聲與無聲溶為一體。我則對<化蝶>更加偏好。梁祝的愛情故事﹐音樂的永恆﹐加上舞蹈員的心念﹐傳達了一個很重要的訊息。

姑且不論西湖上橋長情更長的小橋故事。其實<我的夢>所傳達的訊息很朴實簡單。人要活得有尊嚴﹐有志氣﹐肯奮鬥﹐自力更生。只要心中有愛有夢﹐人生自然輝煌。


輝煌的意義是自定的。成功的人生因人而異﹐你能走出一條屬于你的路﹐你就是成功嶺上的勇士。

無獨有偶﹐昨晚mobTV 的<等一个晴天>記載了一位在兒童院長大的少女成長的歷程。在兒童院與獨立面對生活之間﹐她選擇了後者﹐半工半讀的環境下完成中學教育﹐邁入理工學院﹐開始另一段旅程。她的成就十分輝煌。

信心是成功的根本保證﹐是一個人最可靠的精神支柱。唐朝僧璨大師在<信心銘>中寫道﹕

信心不二﹐不二信心﹔言語道斷﹐非去來今。

儘管訊息朴實簡單不過﹐但在經濟掛帥的大環境中很容易被人忽略。就情緒理念而言﹐<我的夢>中那群殘而不廢﹐追逐夢想的藝術家﹐<等一个晴天>中頑強面對生活﹐不言離棄的少女所展現的精神面貌﹐肯定比許多電視籌款活動中哭喪著臉博同情的病瘓者強多。或許NKF之類的組織可以引以為鑑﹐為慈善與人性尊嚴重新定位。

人爭一口氣﹐佛爭一炷香。人一生下來就不平等。你可以選擇怨天尤人﹐仿彿全世界都欠你一個人情﹔也可以選擇樂觀開懷直接面對人生。定位不同﹐道路就不一樣。


願你是個勝利者。祝你成功。

怎一個情字了得

教育制度將再度改革﹐每個學子都能夠發揮他們最大的潛能﹐沒有人會被遺棄。這是總理在教師節傳達的訊息。姑且不論這是否只是政治的一部分﹐和許多過去的訊息一樣﹐雷聲大﹐雨點小﹔我覺得是誠意之舉。

我們的教育制度走了許多彎路。我受教育的那個年代﹐學校的學術排名並不明顯。舉個例子﹐當年萊佛士女校就設在維多利亞街﹐附近的孩子們就在那兒度過他們的童年。曾幾何時萊佛士女校被打造成名校﹐又是高才班﹐無形中製造了社會階級。分流呢﹖雖然政府費勁為分流制度辯護﹐怎麼也改變不了箇中的玄機。

在曲折迂迴的漫漫長路上造就了一些人﹐也犧牲了好些人。更多的普羅大眾是默默耕耘的一群﹐任命過一生。兜了三十年﹐我們繞回原點。教育的崇高目標是有教無類﹐發揮學生的潛能﹐培養學生的人格。

我們的年代沒有教師節﹐不過教師已是生活的一部分。八十年代末﹐我寫了一篇散文<昔日福南昔日情>﹐記載一段曾經刻骨銘心的心路歷程。把其中幾段摘錄下來﹐從新分享,借此感激一群誠心奉獻給下一代的老師們﹕

.....
小三的時候才知道福南街之所以出名還在于其臭名昭彰。那時班上兩個同學打架﹐被老師在課堂上公開審訊。

“你住那裡的﹖”老師手持兩把木尺﹐鐵青著臉。

“潮州街。”

“你又住那裡﹖”老師凶巴巴地轉問另一名同學。

“福南街。”

“一個潮州街﹐一個福南街﹐都是阿飛流氓出入的地方﹐難怪你們打架打到學校里來﹗阿飛流氓我見多教多了﹐今天一定要教訓你們兩個不可。”結果兩人手心緊靠桌面﹐手背朝天﹐老師橫著木尺像剁豬肉一樣。未幾﹐兩只手都流著鮮血﹐木尺斷了兩根。

“休息的時候買過兩把木尺還給同學﹐知道嗎﹖”老師怒氣未消。

強忍著眼淚與痛楚﹐兩人緊咬牙根﹐點了點頭。這一來點心肯定沒著落了。
。。。。。
。。。。。

馮老師就是在人心惶惶﹐士氣低落的情況下走馬上任的。那時她剛從南大畢業不久﹐還是教育學院文憑班學員。福南街出高人﹐怎不叫人另眼相看﹖

馮老師個子矮小﹐貌不驚人﹐憑著一股愛心與尊嚴﹐把潮州街烏橋頭等一班難兄難弟治得服服貼貼﹐乖乖上她的課﹐准時呈交作業﹐測驗前總安安分分的花上至少八成功夫去溫課﹐從不跟她故作刁難。是她為我開拓新的生活領域﹐教我從另一個角度俯視人間﹐激勵我以開闊無畏的心情去面對生活。

“住在福南街這類龍蛇混雜的地方都是下層人民﹐如果他們有錢﹐早就搬到加東一帶住洋樓別墅了。生活對下層人民而言就是以勞力換口飯﹐為一家人填肚子。罵粗口﹐出風頭已經成為生活的一部分﹐他們的本性還是善良的。我們學校願意招收這類頑皮學生就表示出有教無類的崇高教育宗旨。雖然山雞變不了鳳凰﹐他們只能拉低學校的會考成勣﹐但是那並不重要﹐重要的是學校給予他們學習做人的機會﹐發揮他們善良理智的一面﹐將來即使不能出人頭地﹐也能堂堂正正﹐腳踏實地﹐貢獻出一份力量。貧窮不是罪過﹐只要人窮志不窮﹐有毅力﹐肯努力﹐懂得珍惜機會﹐把握機會﹐成功永遠屬于你。。。。。”

。。。。。
。。。。。
重回福南街好多次﹐腳下踩的是福南街的土地﹐身處的是福南中心。時光是最公正﹐也是最無情的。早年的福南街兄弟成家的成家﹐立業的立業﹐老的老﹐死的死﹐大家分散到新加坡各個角落﹐現代化的商業中心驅走昔日的凌亂污穢。當年站在這片土地上﹐除了懂得默默生活﹐懂得叛逆﹐懂得“江湖義氣”之外﹐誰曾夢想過整潔寬敞的家園﹖誰曾想到當年的叛逆青少年如今都安分守己地過活﹐今日卻多了一群游離少年重複著一段不應該重複的歷史﹖

我永遠不會忘記“只要人窮志不窮﹐有毅力﹐肯努力﹐懂得珍惜機會﹐把握機會﹐成功永遠屬于你。”也許成功的實質已經跟當年逕然不同。今日的成功是待遇﹐房屋﹐汽車及社會地位。

也很懷念曾經擁有過的“萬里無云萬里天”般﹐大家心胸坦蕩﹐肝膽相照﹐無須掩飾感情的生活。。。。。

How much does ten cent worth?

The debate in importing foreign talents has turned on. We have a deficit in the population and there is a need to augment it by actively encouraging a policy of selective immigration , otherwise in the future we will face a demographic nightmare in the shape and form of the law of minimum.

The debate in cost of living is on-going. Cost of living is a tremendous subject to grapple with, especially when there isn't an obvious social safety net to help to battle the loss of income.

The fear of majority of the foreign talents who have no root nor heart to stay on to help the local, but only grab the goodies and go is something real. The 1999 Asia financial crisis was the major setback of the Singapore economy in the recent years. Foreign talents packed up and left. The local weathered the storm.

We sank in multi-million dollars to fund John Hopskin. We have yet to measure the true return. We sank in huge sum of money to perform fire work every national day and other occasions. How could this money be channeled to help people to weather the rising living cost?

Is 10 cent fare rise considered a lot?

In the 1970s when I was a poor student, I felt the impact of every 10 cent rose in bus fare and every 5 cent rose in coffee on my daily life, let's alone the 50 cent rose of hawker food and 50 dollar rose in tuition fee. How to minimize the impact? Alighted two bus stop earlier to save that 10 cents, drank less ate less to save that 50 cents. Having said that, tuition fee could not be avoided. Study was the way to get rid of poverty.

In the 1980s when I returned to school as a mature student funding my own study to realise a childhood dream, I still felt the impact of 200 dollar rose in tuition fee. I drew from reserve, which was the CPF saving to finish the university education.

Am I complaining? From a macro-level, controlled cost rise is beneficial to the society. The upper rung would benefit most from it. The rich would become richer. This is the fact of life. From a micro-level, you have to take care of those who are directly facing the impact. To them, every 10 cent counts. This is the opposite fact of life.

How about the middle income group who is sanwiched in between? The policy that makes the rich richer does not apply to them. The policy of subsidizing the town council charges and utility bills does not apply to them either. They better to be on their own.

To survive on your own. I thought that is the right sentiment. Does anyone owe you a living? Probably not. 自力更生, self-reliance, that was what my dad told me when I was young. I am passing the same message to my children. Equip yourself with the right skill, knowledge and passion, there you go. Passion, Passion, Passion. With passion, you will see light at the end of the tunnel. That definitely worth more than 10 cents.

你快樂嗎

你快樂嗎﹖

人生不如意之事常八九﹐又要面對許許多多的是非無奈﹐有多少人能快樂起來﹖

為甚麼這麼多人比我富有﹖為甚麼這麼多人比我高高在上﹖為甚麼這麼多人比我跑得更快更遠﹖為甚麼草總是對岸的比較蔭綠﹖為甚麼春天老是遲遲不肯到來﹖

你是否嘗試從另外一個角度來對待生命﹐直面人生﹖簡單一點地說﹐當你坐擁一片藍天的時候﹐你快樂嗎﹖你真的會快樂嗎﹖

你能擺脫人生無常﹐日月星辰與宇宙體系的束縛嗎﹖如果不能﹐你的快樂只是假象虛幻。你並不快樂。所以你覺得人生不如意之事常八九﹐充滿無奈。

在慈善醫院﹐窮鄉僻壤﹐有默默耕耘的一群。他們並不富裕﹐不過他們把追求名利富貴的精力挪出來﹐把愛心奉獻給世界。他們是現代的南丁戈爾。快樂在于有能力付出﹐快樂原自內心。

那天機緣巧合碰見一位曾經有工作來往﹐但並不熟絡的朋友。他說他的阿姨已經過世了﹐她打不過癌細胞。去世前那段日子過得很平靜﹐心情悠祥﹐還問起我。

可是我怎麼都記不起她的樣子。

他說那天在裕廊我繞道載了他一程去接他的阿姨﹐過後由于時間迫切﹐怕等不到德士﹐我又繞道把他們載到中央醫院。

似乎有這一回事﹐可是印象很模糊﹐我只好抱歉一笑。人年紀逐漸大了﹐對曾經發生過的身邊事已不太在意﹐對‘人來人往’的事也看得比較淡薄。

他說想起來已經是十年前的往事了。十年風雨幾番新﹐那時他的阿姨就因為這件事萌起求生的勇氣。十年抗戰的過程﹐使他在阿姨的生命中得到啟發﹐今天他是一個義工﹐把快樂帶給不幸的一群。

他說我認為所做的是小事一宗﹐可是影響深遠﹐改變了他的阿姨和他﹐也改變了他所接觸的許多人。

很感謝他分享這一段心路歷程。能夠付出本身就是一種快樂。能夠聆聽對方由衷的故事也是一種快樂。

快樂由自心中。只有超越時空﹐超越利益﹐快樂才會快樂。願你也是快樂世界的一份子。

Conditional or unconditional?

Innovation is a buzzword in today’s business. To create an innovation culture in an organisation, people are urged “to think out of the box”.

What is out of the box? It may be explained as thinking and doing things that are “unconditional”.

What do I mean by “unconditional”?

Let’s use an example. You are driving on a road. An old lady is standing by the roadside wanting to cross. In a normal day, you would possibly slow down, stop and wait for the woman to cross before you pick up your journey again. You do it graciously. You are not expecting her to heart you and say a big thank. You are not expecting her to announce to the whole world how great you are. You are not expecting to gain something tangible.

So why do you stop and give way to the old lady? You just follow your heart. It is UNCONDITIONAL.

Again you are driving on a road. An old lady is standing by the roadside wanting to cross. This time you are in a rush. Although your heart tells you to stop, but you continue to press the accelerator and carry on with the journey.

At a moment of reflection, you think back the incident of why you do not follow your heart. Before kicking yourself, you find good reasons. Because you are rushing to the airport to pick up an important person. Because you do not know her intension, to cross the road or just waiting for a cab. Because you have the right of the road, hence she just has to wait for the right time.

So why you do not stop and give way to the old lady? Because there are thousand and one reasons. It is conditional.

Once it is conditional, we are being framed by the boundaries, the boundaries of a box. Many things we do, many approaches that we have taken are conditional based. Before we start doing it, we think of the payback, the return on investment. What do we stand to gain, win-lose or win-win?

In simple words, we are driven by business sense.

Many innovations do not originated from business thinking. Instead they start off with PASSION. Passion leads on to business and fortune. Great innovators do not use the end fortune as the driving force. But business starts with expected outcomes. In an organisation, there is this paradox.

Are you an innovator? Do you think, sense and act conditional; or unconditional? Let’s follow your heart.

Back to London

Went back to London last Sunday. Although the trip was rather short, touched ground on Sunday evening, left London on Wednesday noon, not even 72 hours. But missions accomplished.

Met Kuai Peng and family at Cheam village, outskirts of South London. They were excited with the 'Bak-Gua' that I brought to them.'Bak-Gua'is a kind of roasted pork, tasty and juicy, well like by non-Muslim in Southeast Asia.

They asked me to move to London, a place that filled with more fun and casual learning for children. Children would receive more rounded education in UK at a more affordable pace, although the cost of living would be 3 times more than that of Singapore.

Children are children. They need the space for learning, sharing and gaming in order to be nurtured with life-skill. They need their childhood. Learning process is associated with time. Let's return the childhood to them. Once the time is missed, it could never wind back. After all whether the children adopt a rapid pace or an affordable one, they would reach the same point after graduated from university. They would also reach the same point if they take on another road, i.e. not the academic path.

I tend to agree. We put our children through pressure cookers in Singapore. But how many top-notched businessmen, top-notched researchers, top-notched CEO, top-notched medical doctors, top-notched dancers, top-notched entrepreneurs, top-notched art performers and top-notched engineers we have produced? We cultivated workers, we thought them to be paper-chase, but we did not cultivate passion. We lack the depth.

On the night before returns, managed to meet up with Guo Xiong at Tavistock Square, West Central London. While waiting for him, I managed to spend some minutes back in UCL for a quick look. While I still recognised the building and without problem in getting around, people have changed.

1993 was the first time I stepped onto the land of London, first time stepped into UCL to fulfill a life-time dream. Eventually, I spent one year there with my wife. What a honey year!

That was the time I met Guo Xiong. He was my CFD lecturer. I was deeply impressed by his top-notched passion in the CFD subject. Eventually we developed friendship.

1994, my son was born in UCH. That was where we met Kuai Peng for more than a decade. I was deeply impressed by the professionalism of the hospital staff. A pre-matured kid weighed 619g, survived and discharged on actual due date! I was interviewed by BBC then. I gave full credit to the UCH staff.

Guo Xiong and I went back to the small Chinese restaurant near Russell Square. In 1999 when I attached to work in London for a year, we used to spend our time there. Crispy duck with a bottle of red wine, that's how an evening would pass. I have very little luxury like this back in Singapore.

Sincere people, open society, familiar places and fond memories. When they are integrated in a coherent manner, that brings in happiness deep from the heart. We all chase after happiness in life, don't we?

Or perhaps distance has its beauty. We are separated by physical space and do not impose threats between us. The physical distance actually serves as a bridge to cross us over. Hence we can treat others with dignity and respect. Sounds like 4th dimension?

A short trip to London. I was happy. Deep from the heart.

煮酒論英雄

早在2500年前老子已經看透世情﹐以他驚人的大智慧洞悉宇宙人生。他說﹕“天下莫柔弱于水，而攻堅強者莫之能胜，以其無以易之。 弱之胜強，柔之胜剛，天下莫不知，莫能行。”

不過當英雄豪杰在互爭兵家一蓆之地的時候﹐舌劍唇槍﹐烽火瀰漫﹐就此結下冤仇﹐有多少人具備容人的雅量﹐能夠不計前嫌﹐一笑解恩仇。現在又是島國煙林彈雨﹐全民大選的季節。一個星期後一切塵埃落定﹐便是細數英雄敗寇之時。然後呢﹖古今多少事﹐都付笑談中。這是人類社會發展史的一部分。

江海之所以能為百谷王者，以其善下之，故能為百谷王。我們期待的就是具有大智與包容的政治。７０年代我很羨慕弟妹們能有這麼體貼的幼兒園老師﹐對孩子照顧得無微不至。不過他們總是呆不久﹐我還親眼看著他們被不知名人士帶走﹐再也沒回來。有一回那位年輕的華文老師還跑上我家暫時“避難”。現在想起這段三十余年的往事﹐記憶尤新。

同樣是７０年代﹐不過不同場合﹐不同人物。在更近距離的接觸中我感受到年輕熱忱的脈搏。雖然我們來自不同的生活背景﹐對人對事未必意見相同﹐並不影響友情的滋長。在那個年代的華校生﹐很難在那個環境里不認識毛澤東與陳平﹐很難不認識方水雙與林清祥﹐很難忽略李光耀與方壯璧。在一個歷史與抱負錯縱的交叉點上﹐交織著各人的理想與對未來的憧憬與追求。

事隔多年當熱忱冷卻﹐俱往矣歷史風流人物之際﹐大家都添了白髮﹐能以平靜理智的角度來看待一段歷史。你會如何分析對待當年的是是非非﹖你以成敗論英雄或是以宏觀包容的心態來接受那股歷史洪流﹖你是不是其中一份子﹐選擇了平靜過日子而不願回首蒼桑﹖

引陳平的話為終結﹕

“I fought a liberaton war. To ask whether I would do it again is idle talk. I was a young man in an entirely different setting. But the realities and the lessons I learned from that time comprise a body of values I can share with the young who may wish to look beyond their palmtops and understand how history is shaped. I would like to be involved in a forum. It is the exchange of ideas that ultimately moves the world. The barter of views still exhilarates me. You can tell me I was wrong. You can tell me I failed. But I can tell you how it was and how I tried."

- quoted from CHIN PENG, MY SIDE OF HISTORY, Media Masters, Singapore.

Till divorce do us part

Marriage is a life time commitment.

Is this true?

This was true for the old generation. Even there weren’t any love and care binding the couple together, they would not divorce. They would still live under one roof. The commitment between them formed the family believe. The family cell. Parents’ interests subsumed under their children. They honoured the commitment. They fulfilled the commitment. Till death do they part.

Somewhat the thinking changes over time. “Don’t stay together just for the sake of the children”, “if divorce is better for you, it will be better for your kids”, “why stay in a dead marriage”, “if you no longer love your spouse, get out”! Individual happiness becomes the new standard by which a marriage is judged. Individual happiness precedes the children’s needs.

Children need security, safety, dependable and durable family ties. Divorce destroys them. Divorce has long standing impact on children. It is about cause and effect. Researches show that:

-Good parents + failed marriage = children with little confidence in the institution of marriage
-Good parents + low conflict marriage = traumatic effect on children
- The worst symptoms appear in adulthood, with less ability to trust an idea of what a lasting marriage looks like
- Bad marriage + bad divorce = children have confidence in the institution of marriage. This is the only positive outcome. The children think that they could do better and would not repeat the same mistake of their parents.

Globalisation is taking shape. Many breadwinners have to go overseas to make a living for their families. With the breadwinners separate from their spouse and children, it created a new challenge. This is not a divorce, but with non-residential parent, the effect would be similar. The children will still be impacted most.

For boys, they tend to develop overt physical aggression. For girls, they internalise the aggression. But with the absence of warm and positive family relationship, girls tend to affiliate with opposite sex. This partially explains why teenager pregnancy and abortion rates are on the climb.

Would infant and toddlers be affected by a “single parent” family? The answer is “yes”. They are more fretful, crying, clinging. For pre-schoolers, they may feel abandoned, fearful, withdrawn. For pre-teen, social withdrawal, anger and helplessness. For teenagers, shock, anger, sadness, anxiety, disappointment, question concept of marriage, become moralistic or involved in high risk behaviours.

You see how a person is shaped? The experiences in earlier years will shape a person’s future. The dynamic of this is subconscious without the person noticing it.

Divorce process is quite simple in today’s society. Hence the commitment of life time relationship also becomes vulnerable. But before thinking of divorce, think twice. You take a long time on courtship before vowing a marriage (this is the luxurious that the old generation did not have). All of sudden, your spouse becomes ugly, useless and worthless? How could it be?

Think of your children and the agony that they have to go through. They do not have a choice to choose you to be their parents. You created them. Do you want to destroy them as well?

When your children telling you “I am not your messenger”, “don’t ask me take sides. It’s not fair”, “I need both of you”….. Think again. Till divorce do us part? Have you thought through the impacts of divorce on the family?

美夢成真

Do you have dreams?

I asked some friends. They asked me what is dream. Dream sounds very remote and unreal. It doesn't belong to our age group.

As years go by, it is getting harder and harder to provide an answer to those philosophical questions such as "what is dream".

Jocelyn was delighted that she was chosen as a school prefect. She had been dreaming for the last three years. With dream, she had the strength to work towards realizing it and bang! There you are.

Howard was delighted that he finally managed to perform better than before in his languages. I have no doubt that his English vocab is stronger than mine now. I also observe a sudden change that he begins to use more idioms in his daily conversation, concise and precise. It actually makes our conversation more lively than before. To better master the languages was one of his dreams.

Did I have my childhood dreams? Like many others, I did. But I didn't have that far-fetch vision. In those years, we lived by day and battled for survival for another day. Vision was not a vocab in our dictionaries. Short term goals helped. Walk a journey, look up, and decide for the next journey. Step by step, we strived for a better life.

How to achieve quantum leap? Education was the best bet. It helped to bring in better income. With money we could do more to improve our quality life and living condition. Money is not everything, but without money it leaves nothing in today's world.

There is always a need to strike a balance - yingyang.

1999, London. One lazy afternoon, I walked into the theatre and watched Mama Mia. It brought me back to the Abba's era in the 1970s. I was still a school boy then and pop music such as Abba's was not tolerable. As years went by, my thinking changed. I became more receptive to the different types of music and culture, including Abba. Mama Mia ended with the song "I have a dream". Somewhat it touched my heart. I asked my Malaysian friend who married a Hong Konger and permanently stayed in London, "Do you have dreams?" She said of course. I recommended her to watch Mama Mia so that she could convert her dreams into reality.

2004, ShuZhou. I met a local teacher cum tour guide who graduated from QingHua University. He briefed that he had made a comparison and concluded that the local had adopted a slower pace than many Singaporean. The local people work, but they also spent time to appreciate life and beauty. Singaporean were the hardworking lot. They traded health with money, the local people traded money with health. Who were happier? No right nor wrong deduction.

In 2005, New Zealand. My pace of life was even slower. 採菊東籬下﹐悠然見南山。風吹草低見牛羊。We adopt a certain life style with a price. Many people dreaming of owning a farm at old age. Some who had realized their dreams decided to give up and returned back to the busy city life style. You choose something that really suits you after experiencing the different aspects of life. No right nor wrong.

You choose your own paths. You choose your dreams. Wishing you a great year ahead.

Lunar New Year

Celebration of Lunar New Year (CNY) can be dated back to the Han’s dynasty, some 2000 years ago in the ancient china. Since then, Chinese have been celebrating their new year on the 1st day of the Lunar Calendar year.

“Lien” was a fierce animal. In order to chase away Lien so that people could enjoy peaceful life in the following year, lion dance and firecrackers were used to scare Lien away. By adopting the similar practices year after year, they have integrated into CNY. History, culture and belief were made.

Do I like CNY? Among the various festivals, CNY is still the most heartfelt one. In our childhood days, new dresses, new shoes, good food and extra pocket money were luxurious items. They only came by once a year, which was CNY. CNY also symbolised grow of a person. Some parents even relaxed their house rules by allowing their children to gamble during CNY.

My father was working in a printing firm. Before CNY, he would bring home some new year cards that were printed by him. Like many others, I would pen down some wishes and gave to the school teachers, wishing them a prosperous year ahead. In P4, my form teacher proudly pulled out all the new year cards that she received. A few of them were pasted on the classroom wall for decoration. The remaining were sent to the dustbins.

What a reality! Somewhat my heart turned sour. The childhood experience had changed my approach towards appreciating the greeting cards since then. Again, history and belief were shaped.

Of course today we are more modern. We send e-cards. The other party deleted it, so what? The pain is less.

Why do I bother to share all these?

Take a deep look at the past and present. Every small little happening around us would make an impact on our future. Knowingly or unknowingly, consciously or subconsciously we shape what we think, what we believe, what we act and what we do to the others based on past influences. Those past influences could be backdated to our very young age. They keep silent in one of the corners of our brains. They will respond aggressively and decisively when circumstances arise.

In simple term, we are made up by our past and controlled by our past! Thinking deeper on it may make us feel depressive.

There is a positive side of it. The brighter side of the analogy is to think of the future.

Our future is made up by what we think, what we believe, what we act and what we do to the others today. Everyone would reach a state of soul searching sometime in life. When the day comes, do a self -cleansing, make a change, and you will be a better person. You can brighten not only yourself, but also the people surrounding you. Your little kind gesture would change other people’s life.

Happy CNY.